the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
MIDGETS
????
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
