What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
