well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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