If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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