did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
