real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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