she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
