Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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