I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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