fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
