1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
