What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
