I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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