maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
