There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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