Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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