There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
