can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
