he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
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Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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