My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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