Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
