So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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