please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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