I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
