that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
