Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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