Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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