the condom got lost in my hair
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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