I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
