Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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