Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
