My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
