Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
