his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
