He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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