K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
