Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
