y did u give ur computer a hand job?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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