Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
