he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All the doctor said was why
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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