I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
