Umm I'm too high to move.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
that's an acceptable place to lick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
