I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
