who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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