I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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