Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
