told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
