Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
