Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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