Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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