Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
