I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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