I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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