Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
